At Age Thirteen, Say Goodbye to Hover Mothers and Helicopter Dads.Teenagers Become Captains. Parents Become Navigators.

I have talked about children reaching adult status by age eighteen here. In the same article, I referred to the many life lessons that baseball can teach. Let’s look at one life lesson — a skill — and explore ways to enhance the development of that skill in baseball and beyond.

One skill that any young man or woman must have is the ability to communicate with other adults on their own. When youths hit the age of thirteen, they are about to enter high school. As a parent, you expect them (or you should expect them) to deal with their teachers one-on-one with minimal involvement on your part unless all other options have been exhausted. Why is that? It’s simple. You want your son or daughter to communicate effectively with adults because they will have to deal with that situation outside of high school after the age of eighteen. So you had better let them have the experience of working things out with adults while in high school while you can guide them. Otherwise, they won’t be ready at age eighteen to do it on their own.

If they can’t do it on their own by age eighteen, then here’s a story that will outline your future as a parent. A few weeks ago, I was at a college listening to a group of four counselors conduct a parent seminar. On parent raised their hand and complained that their son was failing calculus. One counselor asked if the the student was seeking help from the professor. The parent said he was not seeking help because he was not comfortable in going to see his professor. The counselor said the student could see one of the four counselors. The parent then said the student was uncomfortable with adults in general. The counselor noted that they had a peer counselor system (juniors and seniors) for that type of student. One of the counselors there was a peer counselor. The parent responded by saying that the student may be comfortable with that arrangement, but she wasn’t aware of that option.

Trust me, you don’t want to be this parent when your son or daughter is off at college or dong something else in the real world. How is this parent going to teach their son or daughter this skill long distance? Do you think they will be receptive to being tutored by their parent at this stage regarding this life skill? Nope. This is why making a pledge to the eighteen year plan is so important.

As a parent, you can use baseball or any youth sport as a means of teaching this life skill to them when they are younger. Now if your son or daughter has an issue with a coach or a particular sport incident, let them try and handle it after the age of thirteen just as you would expect them to deal with any school problems with their high school teachers without your direct involvement. Coach them on how to handle problems if you want, but let them try and work it out themselves.

Here is a plan on how to accomplish this task. I have talked before about being part of the problem or being part of the solution in another post. Let’s use “problem” and “solution” in a different context.

When your son or daughter has a a situation, have them try and put the problem into one or two sentences. Try and steer your son or daughter from going off on tangents having nothing to do with the problem at hand. Their only focus should be the problem. It’s  like when they are at bat and their focus should be on hitting the ball. If they have to write down the problem in order to identify it, that works too.

Only after you identify the problem, can you brainstorm solutions with your son or daughter. Try and steer your son and daughter from going off and worrying about remote hypotheticals:  “If this is the solution, then this may happen. If that happens, then this may happen. If that happens, then this will happen.” All this talk will make your son or daughter pull their hair out and ultimately do nothing about the situation.

Doing nothing is always an option in the end. But doing nothing is only an option after going through the process of identifying the problem and then going through the process of working out a solution. Otherwise, doing nothing will be a course of action for them throughout their lives. And that is not a good thing.

If your son or daughter comes up with a solution that is different from your preferred solution, you have to let them go their own way unless, of course, it is a serious situation.

In all of this, you reserve the right to step in as captain up until the age of eighteen. But use your power sparingly and use it less and less as they approach eighteen. If you don’t let them make choices and maybe learn form their mistakes, don’t expect them to come to you in the future about too many problems. There is no better place for them to learn from their mistakes than at home under a parent’s guidance as navigator.

Here is a little story to drive this point home and give you some background on the title to this post. I was at another parent seminar at a college a few weeks ago. A parent complained that his son was recommended for an introductory course by the college and then chose instead the more advanced course against the college’s recommendation. His son was failing that advanced course and blamed the college. His thought process was that they were the professionals and should have made his son take the introductory course. In essence, he wanted the college to act in the role of parent. The counselor responded that in college (over the age of eighteen) they can only act as the navigator and that his son was captain of the ship.

So get used to the idea of being navigator. It’s okay. At least you’re on the ship and have a responsible role.

The bigger picture here is that by guiding your son or daughter through the thinking process (identifying the problem and then finding a solution), you will be teaching them a model on how to think for themselves in communicating with other adults for the rest of their lives.

What are your thoughts? Post them below.